i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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