if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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