Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize