Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
