I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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