Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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