I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize