Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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