Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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