Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize