Your favorite bartender is back from prision
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
