I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
