I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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