Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
