Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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