I wish I could teleport
I need to stop coming to work sober
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
