After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
