I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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