im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
