just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
