Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
