I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
