when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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