my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
