I think I won the penis lottery.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
