grandma shit on top of the toilet
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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