Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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