Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
