I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
