What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize