RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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