Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize