Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
