omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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