I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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