Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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