Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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