I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
