Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
