SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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