i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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