nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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