everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
