well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
