Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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