so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
