Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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