I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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