Yo dont text me then not text me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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