Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
