my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
