Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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