does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
