Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
