If i come over, it means nothing
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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