Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
