tell your sister to shave her snatch
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it's like iHOP with fire
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
