i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
