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and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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