he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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