Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
