I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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