We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize