where does the pee come out of this thing
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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