Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
