My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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