As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
