I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
