i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
