dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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