you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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