i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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