I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
