I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize