apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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